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Short best friend captions for Instagram funny
My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.
Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.
Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.
I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed.
Once I realized the most beautiful things in life may have come from transmuting my greatest pains, I understood that feeling things so deeply is in fact a blessing and not a curse. Raz Soos
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
Why is England the wettest country? Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there.
I’m sorry that I’m not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.
Whenever I am sad I go to my favorite place, the fridge.
Those who snore always fall asleep first.
The chains on my mood swing just snapped. Run.
Short best friend captions for Instagram funny
The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.
I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. – Cindy from Marzahn
No matter how bad it gets I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.
Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? – Bill Murray
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
“Story of my life: I knew better but I did it anyway.” —Unknown
“It will never be perfect. Make it work.” —Life
“Just wing it. Life, eyeliner, everything.” —Unknown
“Hold on, I’ve gotta overthink about it.” —Unknown
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
When life closes a door, just open it again. It’s a door, that’s how they work.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up?
I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge.
“My alone time is sometimes for your safety.” —Unknown
Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying.
If lying was a job some people would be billionaires.
There’s life without Facebook and internet? Really? Send me the link.
I am too lazy to be lazy.
Maybe there are no excuses to be lazy, but I’m still going to keep looking.
Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
Short best friend captions for Instagram funny
Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
I have a new hairstyle today, it’s called ‘I tried.’
I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.
I love my computer because all my friends live inside it.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years, then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield
He who laughs last didn’t get it. – Helen Giangregorio
When our phones fall, we panic; but when our friends fall, we laugh.
After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.
What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
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